There are two questions we should all ask ourselves at some point in our lives and, of course, answer honestly: Why do we have enemies? How are our true friends born? Friends and enemies are the people who help us grow the most, although both are not the majority of the people we deal with. But we must intelligently nurture our relationships with them.
In answering the first question, we can deduce that a good deal of antipathy is caused by our own behaviour. We should never disregard that warning. Others are not my enemies, but I am their enemy. We have to be humble and perceptive enough to recognise in ourselves that certain evil intentions, or our stubborn ideas, or that arrogant disregard of the other that creates an atmosphere charged with negative energy, or those reactions with which we scare them….. It is things like this that make us repellent and hostile. These things should never be imputed to the other. Our enmities, therefore, are often to some extent the result of our own demerit. In other words, we attract a justly negative reaction to ourselves because of our pettiness, which either goes unnoticed or we push it into a corner because it is uncomfortable. Didn’t Jesus say that “A man’s enemies will be those of his own household” (Mt 10:36)? Let us look inward, then.
Let us turn to the second question about the origin of friends. Often, the friendship that others offer us is often an undeserved gift. It is truly fortunate to meet people of surprising generosity. They welcome us without having done anything to deserve it. They come to us free of charge. They attend to us and listen to us, they are attentive to us, they offer us trust and companionship, they brighten our lives, they help us and support us. They know everything about us, they know even our shadows and weaknesses, and yet they still truly love us as we are. We are all capable of good deeds that deserve the reward of affection. But, we always end up disappointing. Fortunately, there is gratuitousness, greatness of spirit, capable of covering our own pettiness with a cloak of generosity, hiding it and filling it with understanding and gentleness.
How can we invest in friendships? We can start with this fact. The world-famous psychologist B. F. Skinner proved in experiments that by rewarding good behaviour animals learned faster and retained more effectively than by punishing bad behaviour. Later studies proved the same for humans. Criticism never provokes lasting positive bonds, and often creates resentment. As much as we crave approval, we fear condemnation. Moral: “If we want to collect honey, don’t kick the hive”.
Juan Carlos cmf
(PHOTO: Juan Pablo Donadías)
