There are problems (crises, accidents, illnesses and deaths) that impose themselves on us. We have to deal with them as best we can without sparing ourselves reasonable grief. But there are others that are caused by people who conduct themselves in life in a very harmful way, the result of insolent immaturity and sometimes even ill will.

Ideally, we should not encounter such people because of the absurd problems they create for us and, in any case, they should solve the problems they themselves create if they cannot avoid them. But experience tells us that they are there and that we have to deal with them from time to time.

They are experts at tying knots, they pollute everything they touch, they complain about everything, they make rude demands and they attack with the ability to touch weak points and do damage. Sometimes it is impossible to avoid them. On the game board that is life we have to play the game with such people. When after being with someone we feel tense, frustrated, longing to be left alone… we are dealing with a toxic person.

Toxic people are those who have not matured emotionally, deeply insecure and selfish people who need to be close to someone (their victim) in order to establish an absorbing relationship that allows them to vent their frustrations. They reason unconsciously with this argument: “Since I am not happy, I will do everything I can to make sure that you are not happy either“. Thus they use their victim as their own therapy, invading their boundaries, highlighting their flaws and spreading the negative side of things to compensate for their shortcomings and insecurities in order to feel better about themselves. They poison the relationship. In the end they end up annoying their victim so much that they end up in exhaustion, helplessness, rage… or worse, in extreme cases.

When you encounter such people, what can you do? The easiest thing to do is to disengage (let everyone sort their own life out!), get discouraged (I’m throwing in the towel!), put up with resignation (it’s my cross to bear!), fall into the trap (now you’re going to find out!) … or use the only strategy that really changes people, which is none other than love.

The best thing we can do for a toxic person is to really love them. But without expecting miracles; which is sometimes heroic. Deep down, a bitter and aggressive person is shouting with their own life something they may never say in words: “I need someone to love me“. A person who knows that they are loved and can be loved does not go through life lashing out. He may have problems, things may go wrong for him, he may go through bouts of misfortune, but the foundations of his soul are solid enough to withstand the onslaught of crisis. We are not happy because things go well for us, but because we know Who loves us unconditionally, to Whom we belong, for Whom we live and for Whom we wait. If we do not consider any of this, the only thing left is to start a war.

 

Juan Carlos cmf

(PHOTO: Paulo Silva)

 

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